Never Mind…

Okay, so, that whole password thing?  Never mind.  I decided that I want to try and use this blog a bit differently than I can if I’m password-protecting every other entry, so I went ahead and deleted the protected posts.  Hope you enjoyed them, if you had a password!

And now on to other things.

I watched Jason Sperber‘s Today show segment this afternoon with real admiration.  For years I’ve been struggling – and I mean internal knock-down, drag-out fights – with my identity; am I a ‘mom’?  Am I an ‘academic’?  At times it’s seemed like I was both and neither all at once, and not in a good way.  More in the sense that I’ve constantly felt like I’m falling short on both ends of the spectrum: not committed enough to the ideals of perfect parenting (Complete! With! Baked! Cookies!) on the one hand, and clearly not committed enough to a life of academic rigor, based on my paltry research output over the last five years or so.

But Jason’s observation that it’s not about these clear-cut roles – stay-at-home-parent vs. working parent – but about versatility and making the right decisions for you and your family really hit home.  I think I’ve been trying too hard, and for too long, to fit myself into an idea of what it means to be a ‘mom’ and an ‘academic’ that bears little resemblance to me and my own situation.

Let’s face it: I’ll never, ever be a mom who lives solely for the sake of her children, no matter how much I love the little pissers.  And I’ll never be an academic in the university-employed sense of the word.  The first is just something I’ve never been – hell, when I used to go to the hoikuen (public daycare) in Tottori to spread the international love, I could only take so many 4 year-old reenactments of Crayon Shinchan before I beat a hasty retreat to the shokuinshitsu (staff room) for tea and conversation.  I used to think it was because they were other people’s kids…turns out, not so much.

But if I’m being honest, then I should admit that the same is true of the latter identity.  I have a hard time handling the inevitable ego-pummeling that comes with serious academia.  I’m terrible at networking and making connections with people whose research corresponds to mine.  I get nervous in front of a classroom of almost-adults, and the thought of actually passing judgment on them makes me break out in a sweat.

Even so, I am a parent and I am making progress towards finishing my PhD.  The question, then, isn’t one of living up to expectations and ideas of what a ‘mom’ or ‘academic’ is, but rather one of deciding what kind of parent and what kind of scholar I want to be.  I want to be a parent whose kids know their mom loves them without reservation.  I want to help guide them as they make their way through their own lives.  I want our home to feel like a safe place for them – one that’s cosy, loving, and stable.

I want to be a scholar whose work makes a contribution, however small.  I want to teach ordinary people to think of things from a different perspective.  I want to foster communication between people who seem to have nothing in common and little to say to one another.  I think I may have a book in me, if my committee (should I get to the defense stage) thinks the dissertation would translate well to a book project, and I may even still have a paper or two left.  But I’m increasing thinking that I’d like to turn my attention more fully to translation.  There’s a lot of scholarly work in Japanese that should be translated into English – too few people have too tight a lock on information right now, mainly by virtue of language ability.  I’d love to make a difference there, and to bring to light some texts that deserve a wider readership.

I guess this is a mini-manifesto of sorts, but it makes me feel a little better just writing it out.  I’m not there yet, but I feel like I’m heading down the right path for once.

Advertisement